If you end up being the giving partner more often than not, have you ever asked yourself if this is because you are not comfortable accepting gifts for what they are, or because you cannot find many givers out there? This is an important question to ask yourself: while the latter is a matter of searching, kissing some frogs on the way to finding your perfect prince, could it be possible that you are not comfortable with receiving, letting go of control or unable to communicate when something feels particularly good (or bad)? If we are honest with ourselves, in many cases that sense of not finding the right man is being used to cover up the fact that we simply have a couple of hang-ups we are not quite ready to face. Letting go of control is tough on most of us, but a lot of people can get over that fear once they get to know the giver better and realise if they are skilled at what they do. It is true that not everyone is a master at giving, but you could be the one to give them the right signs to move forward and learn. Let’s be fair: it’s tricky business and very few of us are natural born givers with the right tools to start with. A bit of guidance is always okay, as long as you are not taking the steering wheel and go all master on your giver – unless that’s the scene you are hoping for, of course! Being unable to communicate what works for you and what doesn’t is another sticking point: how would the giver even know where to go next if you were to give no signs at all? Being receptive and accepting what is given does not mean you are supposed to lay there like a stick and not do anything. By all means, indicate what you want using words, moans, and your full body. Your feedback does not fall under the heading of ‘retribution’, it’s communication and that is a totally different matter. It’s all about connection and communication – they form the mental, emotional aspect of sex and without that, sex is just a mechanical thing that often leaves a bad, unsatisfied aftertaste. Another important aspect is within your own mind and warrants a question: Do you feel worthy of this guy’s attention? The answer to this question is probably your best guideline to find out about your own insecurities! You may not be happy with your own body, sensations and mindset, or too shy to ask for what you really want because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction to those requests. While both of those – and many other answers – are totally valid, maybe it’s time to overcome them and be the best ‘you’ that you can be, for your own sake and any partner you play with alike! My advice: next time you are in a situation of just receiving, accept what is given, return the favour in the shape of guidance, and accept that the other guy is in control for now. You’ll both walk away much more satisfied, I promise! Reconsider what you have thought is right forever and move forward
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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