It feels to me that the main difference is that usually there is a particular order: one person has a desire, asks for its realisation and then reacts to the reply they get. For example, I may want to kiss someone, ask them in some way, and then either am allowed to do it or not. Straightforward, right?
While this process is a very simple one and really easy to understand, it can become a burdensome part of your interactions with your partner: just imagine asking about the next step at every turn. I have come across some My issue is this: in Tantra you often are meant to ‘read’ what your partner wants and act on that sense of understanding. While this is a beautiful image, it skews the procedure: if one person senses that the other is asking them to do something, and acts on that understanding, the next reaction is unclear and based on the quality of the communication. Unlike a clear yes or no, this leads to constant adjustment and the need to keep reading the other person. Example: I sense the other person wants me to kiss them, I act on that sense and then I may or may not be told off. Not so straightforward any more now… Quite besides the need for adjustment, it leaves everyone slightly off balance a lot of the time. Indeed, this is part of Tantra: constant flow and change is very much an element of shifts and movement in energy levels and location, of course. Well, while this sounds easy, just imagine doing that at every turn! I have seen short films and read articles aimed at American teenagers where a sweet moment was interrupted by constant questions like “can I put my hand on your arm?”, “is it okay to touch your hand”. If that does not kill the vibe, nothing will. Of course, those are extreme examples, but they highlight the need for thinking this through. As usual, it’s all about balance: asking consent at each turn may be too much, but not asking at all is clearly not the way to go. Reading the other person and assuming you have understood their needs can be as disastrous, of course. A balanced approach is necessary, and that is all about experience. We all make mistakes at first and then we learn, and this is no different. My feeling is this: if I find myself confronted with too many negative answers, I start to wonder if my partner is right for me at that moment. If things don’t flow in a way that works for all involved parties, maybe you are simply not right for each other, there and then.
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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