Whenever you engage with your (sexual) partner, you not only negotiate what each of you wants, but also you internally make choices what you are comfortable with and what you are not ready to do. That’s the nature of things. That leaves you with one decision: will you move outside of your comfort zone or stick with your original ‘want’? The crux of the question lies in the little word ‘you’ in the previous phrase. If both of you engage with the idea that you’re only ready to do what works for either of YOU, your options quickly shrink to a handful of things where both partners’ wishes meet – unless you are a really lucky couple of people whose wishes match more than average, of course. The point here is that there is more to a connection that what ‘you’ ‘want’. Give the following idea a spin: Rather than looking at what you want, why not consider what you are prepared to engage with, irrespective of your current ‘wants’? We’re looking at things you are not quite passionate about: the classic things you do occasionally because it comes up during the action, but feel a little ‘meh’. This will considerably enlarge the circle that represents you in that Venn diagram, leading to a much larger overlap area where the two of you meet. If your partner does the same, you are looking at a winner already. Now add THIS one: what would you be prepared to do for your partner that goes beyond what you are prepared to do initially for yourself? This would include things that you would be prepared to TRY with that particular partner. Now we’re talking: the diagram just increased in opportunities by another sizeable chunk! Ultimately, any connection with another person involves a bit of give and take, and maybe we should think of this less as ‘giving something up’ but rather ‘being offered an opportunity to expand our limits’? stay conscious of your wishes, but play to your partner’s wishes, too
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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