As you have probably understood by now, Tantra encourages a more subtle approach to your encounters with any partner(s). That does not take away lots of opportunity to ultimately shift towards the more rowdy, active, dominant or kinky side of things, but anyone who has encountered tantric teachings and incorporates them into their sexual encounters will often return to the softer approach. And there I said it: “softer”! It is true that we get aroused by certain things, and that arousal often shows itself off with a rock hard erection. Nothing wrong about that! That is how things are and a physical encounter brings a physical reaction with it. However, looking at tantric practices during sexual encounters, things are a little different. First and foremost, the tantric spirit is not just another form of physical experience in the first place. It’s about an internal process with a huge mental and spiritual element to it. Of course, your body might not understand at first that you are actually aroused if that arousal comes from within. Second, it takes a bit of effort to connect to your partner on an emotional level. Obviously, that removes some of the sheer raw animal side of any encounter. Your energy goes into that tantric element rather than the sheer bodily arousal. Both these elements can make it more difficult to maintain an erection, and THAT IS OKAY. Of course, it’s ever so brilliant if you have one, but is that really the be all and end all of everything? Granted, sometimes having sex is about the act itself and fulfilling that urge, but if that is not the main driver and you simply want to have a good time with a man you like… an erection may or may not be necessary. So forget about performance anxiety: there are ways to make your man and yourself happy that do not require a hardon! As gay men, we can be trapped by one particular belief: we imagine to know what our partners think about us, because it is easy to project our own wishes, fears, objections, hopes and insecurities onto our partner. He’s a man as well after all, and likely to have similar considerations. With a woman, you would think, this is a bit more complicated. While that last statement may hold some truth, the one about men is most certainly wrong! Yes, of course he is another man, but what makes you think he feels, experiences, thinks the same as you do at any given moment? Ultimately, we all want to come out on the other end of a joyous sexual encounter thinking that we did well. But does ‘doing well’ always have to include a raging erection? Personally, I don’t believe it does, yet how many of you define their performance by having an erection all the time? The sales of erection-enhancing drugs tell a chilling tale of insecurity! Is it really your partner’s experience that creates that insecurity in you? Or is it rather something that comes from inside yourself? Maybe you could take a good look and find out if what you believe is expected of you is really just in your head. Look inside first of all, be yourself and forget what you believe your partner thinks
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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