Finding out what you want is hard
Of course, we are all able to think ahead and hope for things to happen. However, hoping for something and wanting something are two entirely different things! When you go out for a walk, you’d hope that the rain clouds won’t open their floodgates. When you start a business and set out to make it a success, you may have a goal in mind, but mostly you will be engrossed in the work you do rather than forward planning, right?
It is useful to make time and sit down with yourself and nobody else, and consider not just the next steps, but what the ultimate goal is supposed to be. Rather than having a vague goal and some solid steps in its general direction, it may be better to start with a clear goal and then take one step at a time in the general direction of that goal. And there’s the rub: it all depends on just how clearly you can see that ultimate goal and how to determine what it actually is. Here are some thoughts on that subject.
First of all, defining goals needs a mix of realism and the ability to dream big. Oftentimes, a goal seems impossible to reach at first, but that’s not to say it can’t be a goal. I’m not part of the “if you can dream it, you can do it” brigade. I believe there are obstacles we simply cannot overcome in a single lifetime. But that doesn’t mean you may want to work towards that goal! Any progress is a step in the right direction.
How does this relate to conscious sensuality, then?
Well, what works for life in general also works for your emotional, sensual and sexual needs. You may not be able to achieve what you wish in the first place, but if you take pains to find out what exactly you WANT to achieve – be it a long-term partner, a particular sexual experience or a more spiritual way to live your daily life – it is important to define what exactly you are looking for. All the above examples are too vague!
Look at the ‘sexual experience’ option, for example. Do you want to experience this in real life? Or watch in? Or is it enough to fantasise about it? Who with? Under which circumstances? How safe do you need to feel doing it? Will it involve a friend keeping you safe?
These and many other details need to be clarified to transform this idea into a proper goal. And interestingly enough, the process of defining your goal properly already gives you some first steps to take to make it happen. Answering those questions that come up and considering carefully how you answer them is how you find out what your true desires really are.
That said, you don’t need a book to interpret in order to be under some kind of influence from teachers (who pass down their truth) or your own interpretations of whatever you are confronted with. It’s all about learning a particular truth.
Spirituality can, however, work differently: all those ways of passing on a truth must be based on some kind of personal experience that someone had at some point in the past, and THAT is where it’s at, really. That person had a spiritual experience that they felt strongly enough to shape into words and pass on to others in written or spoken form. The real question is: how did they come to have such experiences?
As usual, things become less clear as soon as we stray from the path of the written word and what we perceive as a tradition within whichever faith we follow. Ultimately, if we lack the personal experience, we have to rely on scripture to ‘learn the path’. Unfortunately, an experience of this sort is hard to put into words, let alone allow others to experience whatever you have experienced. Words are not enough, a more visceral exposure is required.
The mind is a powerful tool to interpret, but it’s the body that ultimately provides the means to register an experience. We need a brain, for starters, to think. But we also need a set of sensory organs to provide the input. Our bodies are made to register things that happen, a finely tuned instrument that sends readings to the brain at the speed of electricity. If you have ever been touched unexpectedly, or heard a small noise that made your hairs stand on end, you know what I mean. Some of this is in our imagination only, but who’s to say that what your brain imagines isn’t just as real as how you react to a physical encounter in the real world?
Our sense of touch is a main channel that we often neglect: we humans focus on eyes and ears mainly to navigate the world, but besides our sense of smell and taste, our sense of touch is too amazing for words. It can take you to pain and ecstasy, often at the same time, and open your mind to possibilities and experiences that were unexpected, to say the least.
Who’s to say that those experiences are not spiritual ones? What is your definition of the idea of a ‘spiritual experience’. To me, it’s anything that takes me out of my body and allows me to experience what is beyond the ability of my body to sense. A place where the mind starts to function on its own, without external input.
From a tantric point of view, it’s all about riding the wave of excitement. Masturbating or otherwise doing exciting things with your cock, creating friction and travelling on the road towards that point of no return is not necessarily a one-way road. If you hold it for just a moment before it becomes unstoppable, you’ll be able to cool down just a little and start the process again. Think of it as ‘sweet pain’ that leads to the antsy feeling you get when you simply cannot finish it. The proper term for this is edging, of course.
Tantric practice seems to run circles around this concept, and has done so for a long time, but for slightly different reasons: in Tantra it’s all about preservation of the energy that you bring up through your physical practice. It’s considered best to conserve that energy and redistribute within our body to the places we need it. Sexual energy like the one you raise with a good masturbation session is perfect to redirect to, e.g., your Heart chakra to increase the connection with your partner. Or to improve empathy it needs to go to the Third Eye chakra.
You may have come across edging as a technique that is employed in kinky encounters, in a context of domination and submission, controlling the sub’s ability or right to ejaculate. An experienced partner can feel or read when it’s time to take their hands off of you to stop that last sprint towards ejaculation. Interestingly, the sexual tension does not reduce along with the physical contractions. Energy builds and can lead to what we experience as orgasm.
I mentioned in the beginning that the physical ejaculation is just one part of it, the orgasm is an internal mental process that can be triggered by the ejaculation, but also by an accumulation of the need to ejaculate. Now ask yourself: have you ever experienced a dry orgasm, where your body went completely out of control and you found yourself riding the waves without any further intervention? If you have not felt that feeling, I strongly recommend trying the edging method, maybe combined with some massage elements to distribute the energies, and find out where it takes you…
These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about.