Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space.

Another, more involved method for the active partner is anal massage, something a lot of people – both receivers and givers – tend to shy away from. First of all, it may feel uncomfortably close to penetrative sex, but many men also seem to have a hang-up around their anus, especially if they consider themselves to be ‘only a top’. And then there are engrained worries of this being somehow dirty: if you intend to have sex, wouldn’t you clean yourself down there first? Get over it already: there is so much juicy excitement available, why would you want to miss out on that?

External anal massage is a very gentle practice, but full of expectation and excitement. Rule n°1: always use lube. The area around your anus is extremely sensitive, and nothing is more of a turnoff than irritated skin around the anus. The sensitivity has a bonus, though: even small movements of your fingers may have a huge impact. Keep in mind: excite your partner, don’t irritate him!

It’s usually enough to use a single finger (maybe two) and gently press them into the skin, then slowly massage around the opening, letting things develop as you go. Remember how it feels to just stroke the hairs on your forearm without touching your skin and how that gradually becomes to strong that you have to put your whole hand down to calm that sense of overwhelm? Your anus area is more sensitive than that!

Therefore: be slow; stay in one spot for a while and when you feel like moving on: stay there some more. And then move by just a little bit and repeat. In my experience, just doing this can be wonderful for the longest time! The point of this sort of stimulation is to make your partner feel relaxed and comfortable, and excite him at the same time.

If you have received an anal massage before you are aware how wonderful it can be just to be touched around the outside of your anus. Hours can go by where you are totally relaxed, floating in a universe of arousing sensations, your mind going to strange places at the same time.

Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space.

Let’s face it, most of us are stuck in a rut when it comes to experiencing sensuality and it often serves just one purpose: getting to a point of having full penetrative sex. I imagine that a bit of foreplay involving touch, kissing and maybe (rushed) undressing each other is the entrée, followed quickly by dessert. What happened to anything in between, drinks, the main dish, palate cleansers, sparkling conversation? I would suggest that there are ways to enjoy each other that are nearly, but not quite penetration. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go there at all, but maybe you’ll find a way to explore that ‘main course’ before skipping it.

I have mentioned cock massage in the past and can only repeat that there are simple techniques that can drive your partner out of his mind, if done correctly. This sensitivity increase is driven by sexual energy that is excited through techniques, and this is one easy way to make it happen. This may be one of the reasons why we enjoy a good wank so much. I’m just saying.

Cock massage is NOT wanking, though. For one thing is a slower process, it involves a good bit of lube to allow for smooth movements (just as you would expect from a back massage). Cock massage is about sensation and expectation. You may tug in different directions, push between two hands, squeeze the head, pull the scrotum, or just generally move hands around the area. If the cock gets hard – and believe me: it doesn’t always as excitement may show in different ways – you could keep teasing by massaging to find an edge where you partner becomes restless… and then move off and do something harmless somewhere else. You know what I mean!

An interesting addition to massaging the cock is to find the hard root of your partner’s cock and push against it: if you do that just right you may see an intense reaction from your receiver as you are activating a lot of nerve cells right under the skin…

When you think of ‘being active’ in the context of tantra you probably consider things like being a top or physical exhaustion during and after sex, or at the very least being the one calling the shots or doing things to the other person who is on the receiving side. And yes: to some degree that is certainly true.

On a different level, being active makes you the caretaker of your partner. Think about it: he is totally in your hands, and if he trusts you completely, you may just be able to send him not just over the edge but into places his mind never dreamed of going. It all depends on your connection with your partner and your ability to see what is needed, and then provide it. It may feel counterintuitive, but seemingly the roles are reversed: the active partner is subservient to the passive one who is asking for things to be done in certain ways for his own pleasure, arousal, energy flow.

How does that work? Of course you have touched someone else and you’ll have some knowledge when it comes to the places to touch and the ways to touch that feel good and are received with moans, movements, maybe even pleas to continue or stop. And there it is: there are messages coming your way that help you figure out what to do next, some clearer, some more obscure. The better you know your partner, the easier it is to pick up the smallest cues and help him move just a little further towards the place of bliss. What is that place of bliss? It depends on the person and circumstances: for some it’s an orgasm – be it physical or internal only – for others it’s a mental journey, or it’s a state of absolute joy that can last for minutes.

Either way, your touch, compassion, assistance is what makes it happen for your partner. It’s not unknown that waves of bliss roll over both of you, simply because you are so attuned to your partner that you not only pick up the cues he sends, but some of the experience he has reaches you as well. To give just one example: when you touch your partner and he bets aroused, he may get an erection, start making noises or show other signs of pleasure. Don’t you react to this? Have you never had an erection just from the sense of enjoyment that your partner experiences, or shivers down your spine when he writhes and moans?

That’s what it means to be active: being the motor that makes things happen, but also getting feedback before and after… it’s a perpetual state of reinforcement that goes both ways.