It feels to me that the main difference is that usually there is a particular order: one person has a desire, asks for its realisation and then reacts to the reply they get. For example, I may want to kiss someone, ask them in some way, and then either am allowed to do it or not. Straightforward, right?

While this process is a very simple one and really easy to understand, it can become a burdensome part of your interactions with your partner: just imagine asking about the next step at every turn. I have come across some

My issue is this: in Tantra you often are meant to ‘read’ what your partner wants and act on that sense of understanding. While this is a beautiful image, it skews the procedure: if one person senses that the other is asking them to do something, and acts on that understanding, the next reaction is unclear and based on the quality of the communication. Unlike a clear yes or no, this leads to constant adjustment and the need to keep reading the other person. Example: I sense the other person wants me to kiss them, I act on that sense and then I may or may not be told off. Not so straightforward any more now…

Quite besides the need for adjustment, it leaves everyone slightly off balance a lot of the time. Indeed, this is part of Tantra: constant flow and change is very much an element of shifts and movement in energy levels and location, of course.

Well, while this sounds easy, just imagine doing that at every turn! I have seen short films and read articles aimed at American teenagers where a sweet moment was interrupted by constant questions like “can I put my hand on your arm?”, “is it okay to touch your hand”. If that does not kill the vibe, nothing will. Of course, those are extreme examples, but they highlight the need for thinking this through.

As usual, it’s all about balance: asking consent at each turn may be too much, but not asking at all is clearly not the way to go. Reading the other person and assuming you have understood their needs can be as disastrous, of course. A balanced approach is necessary, and that is all about experience. We all make mistakes at first and then we learn, and this is no different.

My feeling is this: if I find myself confronted with too many negative answers, I start to wonder if my partner is right for me at that moment. If things don’t flow in a way that works for all involved parties, maybe you are simply not right for each other, there and then.

This said, I’m no different myself in that respect: and some may find me attractive while others don’t, on a physical, spiritual, sensual, personal or any other level you may come up with. It’s a good thing we are all different.

It is true that a lot of people stick with the physical appearance and looks play a huge role in deciding if someone is worthwhile getting or staying in touch with. Again, I’m not excluding myself, but I try to be better about this and step over that first assessment to give my encounters a chance at succeeding.

That brings me to a related issue: How do I feel about my own body? Would I be attracted to myself? Until a couple of weeks ago the answer would have been a resounding YES, but then I had a bit of a wobble. (Before you wonder: I’m okay now. Considering the bigger picture was immensely helpful.) I had been aware that I had put on a bit of weight but have not really given it much thought. I just imagined that I was a little heavier and looked pretty much the same as I had for the last 30 years or so.

But then it happened: I had the opportunity to see myself in video and photos from angles I was not usually privy to seeing myself and what I saw was pretty shocking. I realise that everyone has a bit of a skewed image of themselves that is a little behind the times, but mine was at least 10 kgs behind the times! It was a revelation, and I believe everyone should be able to see themselves in that way… the way others would see you.

At first I was wondering what I could do to get back into shape, and worried about my appeal to others. But then I realised that nothing had changed, except my perception of myself. Others have always seen me this way, anyway. And when I started putting things into perspective, I calmed down and considered things a little more realistically.

I believe that my encounter with Tantra all those years ago has given me an ability to deal with such perception issues, to take things the way they are rather than the way I want them to be or believe them to be. In the end, the only one who really has to get over this is me: just like myself, others will either be drawn to me or not, they may see the seed of something else inside of me or not. Be this as it may, technically the only difference is in my mind. Acceptance is important, but that does not take away that – for my own happiness – I may just do something about those extra kilos.

Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space.

We often hear about the mysterious prostate massage, so it has to be part of this short series on being active. Most men associate the mention of the prostate with a rectal exam, but there is much more to it than that: the prostate is actually the thing that convulses when you have an ejaculation, it’s where semen and seminal fluid come together and are being pumped out. That gives you a bit of an indication where exactly you’ll find this thing.

In fact, I have mentioned the prostate before in the cock massage blog, without naming it properly: it sits at the root of your cock, that rock hard bit that makes you feel all tingly when you press it the right way. In fact, what you are doing there is an external prostate massage. You’ll have a hard time finding it when you are not aroused, but boy, it can swing quite a punch when it’s ready.

On the outside, you can find the prostate somewhere between the anus and the scrotum, but the main access happens through the anus itself – and that is exactly what happens in a prostate exam. But we are not here to examine the prostate, we want to make it feel good!

Once you are in full internal anal massage mode, you may want to have your finger in a position to be able to bend it towards the belly of your receiver and gently explore that area to find a slightly harder part of the internal wall. Be gentle! The prostate does not like to be poked, but repetitive gentle strokes can do wonders. Your receiver now may feel like he has to pee, or he wants to jump out of his skin from the sheer intensity of the sensation. That means you have found it!

At this point, you may have to make sure your receiver doesn’t move too much as your finger may poke unexpected places and become painful. As always, it’s up to you to keep an eye on his reactions and act accordingly: go harder or hold back a little, whatever your partner communicates. Of course, you can combine the internal massage with an external stimulation of the root of his cock, if you want to make him go totally wild!

Either way, never forget that you are ‘giving’, but if you have a true connection you’ll receive so much from him that you’ll completely forget that you are giving right now.

Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space.

Even though external anal massage can be bliss on its own, maybe you want to explore a little further and go in with a finger – and I recommend doing this with ONE finger only. There will be time to insert more than that later, believe me.

Let’s assume that you have already spent some time on massaging the outside of your partner’s anus, and you have done things right, you’ll have realised that he has relaxed quite a bit and the area is likely covered with a lube at this point as well. Perfect conditions to expand the field of massage and gradually move your finger into the opening itself. Just as before, put pressure on the sides, slide your finger towards the centre and push just a little. We are talking half a centimetre here, not half a finger!

At this point your partner may clench a little, just make sure he relaxes into the new kind of movement and be prepared to abort the mission if he shows signs of discomfort or calls it off! It’s all about him, remember?

If all goes well, however, you’ll gradually be able to slide that finger in a little further each time. When it comes to internal anal massage, there are a couple of things you need to know: the skin in there is very tender, has a lot of nerve endings and blood vessels. Moving too fast, scratching the surface or not using enough lube can easily lead to damage, especially if you twist your finger around. If you want to change direction of your finger, always pull out and slide in again into that new position, NEVER twist.

Apart from that, keep doing what you did with external anal massage: gentle strokes, exploring slowly and repeat what you do more than you think is necessary. The secret of a good massage lies in the repetition first of all, variation being slightly less important. You want your partner to experience particular sensations to the fullest before moving on, right?

The fact of the matter is this: the giver may feel bored of a particular position or movement much quicker than the receiver, especially because the giver may be doing what feels like hard work. Remember that you are ‘giving’ something for the benefit of your partner.