When you think about conscious sensuality, bondage is not the kind of image that immediately comes to mind. And yet there is something about bondage that can be enticing and enabling your sensitivity to sensual connection. Let me explain.

The first thing most people would think of when bondage is mentioned is BDSM practices, or a vague sense of what might be involved with it. The image is indeed mostly one that includes all parts of BDSM: Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. However, bondage on its own is nothing else than physical restriction. Domination and S/M practices can come on top of it, but are not necessary. Neither is bondage necessarily a part of domination or SM…

Bondage comes in many forms, from the classic handcuffs (“NOT the fluffy pink ones, master! Please!”) through ropes, plastic tape, fabric all the way to being hogtied and hanging from a hook on the ceiling. The main element, strangely, is not in the physical restriction, but the giving in to the fact that you are NOT in control, letting go of control and accepting that state of mind. Why is this important? Simple: a good part of your sensual (and also spiritual) experience relies on your ability to let go of expectations and opening up to that which you don’t expect to happen but would like to.

On a physical level, you may wish for something to happen, but you are not ready to allow yourself that experience. Being out of control of the situation may just allow you to not only accept what is being given to you, but actively enjoy it (“I was not in control”). That does not take away that any serious bondage experience is subject to serious control mechanisms like agreeing on consent, having a safeword, an understanding of both partners what is acceptable (that’s what the initial discussion to set boundaries is meant to ensure), and the clear knowledge that whoever is being restricted is the one who calls the shots, NOT the giver/master.

On the mental plane, restrictions can lead to spiritual experiences. Letting go mentally means that your mind does put up fewer barriers not only to the bodily sensations, but also to your thoughts. Any internal processes or external stimulation may end up steering you onto new pathways that you would never even have conceived of without those restrictions.

All this is not limited to physical restrictions either: bondage can be a purely mental process. It can involve nothing more than a blindfold, or a bit of heavy rope hanging from your wrists, without any knots or real constriction at all: it’s all in the mind. In fact, bondage can take the shape of strict adherence to instructions given by the giver/master. Given the right stimulus, anyone can actually conjure up a sense of being restricted, just like someone lying on top of you may create a sense of weight that could be instantly removed but ends up being strangely enjoyable.

Some of us are finding it hard to express what we really-really want when we meet someone and try to find out where that encounter might be going. Alternatively, what happens if you ask that guy about his preferences and how you feel about his answers? Let’s look at both sides.

How confident do your feel when asked about your preferences in general or with regards to that particular person? There is a difference, of course, but how do you reply? Are you going all out and confess your deepest desires to find out if you are a perfect match, or are you playing coy by staying vague in the hopes of securing a deal that may then go much further or in a totally different direction?

What about his answers to your questions, then? How do you react to vague replies like “I’m pretty vanilla” or “I’m open to lots of things”. Does that make you feel inclined to go with him, or does it put you off? Were those really the answers you hoped to get, or ones that feel evasive and non-committal?

There may be reasons for both of you to remain vague, of course. Some of them relate to shame of talking about such things we still unconsciously consider bad, sinful or unhealthy. Another big hurdle is shyness to reveal something that is perceived as very personal to a guy you may just have met an hour ago. Either way, it’s worth considering giving a direct answer to a direct question. In daily life, such direct answers are encouraged, if not expected, so why not be open about something you want to happen and give your man a chance to make your dreams come true?

Some people simply don’t know what they really want. Maybe they have never really given it any thought at all, or they are happy to accept anything that comes their way in order to find out if they like it or not? It does help to have a bit of a plan before you go out, and define for yourself what you would generally consider desirable, acceptable and a no-go. If you have particular interests on that day, by all means keep those in mind and voice them if you get the chance. To be honest, I often find myself in the role of the happily accepting guy as I find it difficult to define what I perceive as acceptable in various contexts, but – like anyone else – I’m a work in progress, learning to be much more direct.

Think about how you come across to whoever asked you about your preferences if you are not at least halfway specific? Most likely your guy will think you are insecure and therefore going to be a lot of drama (and maybe you actually are!), or he may start to wonder if you are really interested in going further with him. Don’t forget: there is a wide range of grey between full disclosure and absolute vagueness: you could consider talking about positions you prefer, you would consider and those you don’t enjoy; you might bring up some more kinky elements (and strike gold in the process), and work up to the more decisive questions as you go...

Exercise:
make a list of things you ‘love to do’, what are ‘options’ and what you really ‘don’t want to do’ in general. Then learn from it.

If you end up being the giving partner more often than not, have you ever asked yourself if this is because you are not comfortable accepting gifts for what they are, or because you cannot find many givers out there?

This is an important question to ask yourself: while the latter is a matter of searching, kissing some frogs on the way to finding your perfect prince, could it be possible that you are not comfortable with receiving, letting go of control or unable to communicate when something feels particularly good (or bad)? If we are honest with ourselves, in many cases that sense of not finding the right man is being used to cover up the fact that we simply have a couple of hang-ups we are not quite ready to face.

Letting go of control is tough on most of us, but a lot of people can get over that fear once they get to know the giver better and realise if they are skilled at what they do. It is true that not everyone is a master at giving, but you could be the one to give them the right signs to move forward and learn. Let’s be fair: it’s tricky business and very few of us are natural born givers with the right tools to start with. A bit of guidance is always okay, as long as you are not taking the steering wheel and go all master on your giver – unless that’s the scene you are hoping for, of course!

Being unable to communicate what works for you and what doesn’t is another sticking point: how would the giver even know where to go next if you were to give no signs at all? Being receptive and accepting what is given does not mean you are supposed to lay there like a stick and not do anything. By all means, indicate what you want using words, moans, and your full body. Your feedback does not fall under the heading of ‘retribution’, it’s communication and that is a totally different matter. It’s all about connection and communication – they form the mental, emotional aspect of sex and without that, sex is just a mechanical thing that often leaves a bad, unsatisfied aftertaste.

Another important aspect is within your own mind and warrants a question: Do you feel worthy of this guy’s attention? The answer to this question is probably your best guideline to find out about your own insecurities! You may not be happy with your own body, sensations and mindset, or too shy to ask for what you really want because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction to those requests. While both of those – and many other answers – are totally valid, maybe it’s time to overcome them and be the best ‘you’ that you can be, for your own sake and any partner you play with alike!

My advice: next time you are in a situation of just receiving, accept what is given, return the favour in the shape of guidance, and accept that the other guy is in control for now. You’ll both walk away much more satisfied, I promise!

Have you realised that your sexual drive is subject to changes: sometimes it is nearly gone and at other moments it feels like you are about to burst out of your skin from desire? It’s perfectly normal for this to happen, but the important thing is to recognise this as a natural process and learning to deal with it without too much worry. Why do you need to “deal with it”, then? Well, it’s a type of imbalance, and like any other sense of being off-centre, it that can throw you off in oh so many ways.

First of all, sex may not be brilliant with your libido running on fumes, and sometimes it may be better to simply stick with something less vigorous like cuddles, a nice evening of talking or watching a movie than forcing yourself to do something that does not come naturally. I’m sure your partner will occasionally feel the same way and both of you will be more comfortable if you manage to talk openly about your lack of ‘sexy’ at any given time once you are fully able to acknowledge this state of affairs.

The other extreme is equally important to communicate: if you are feeling randy for an extended period of time, your partner may be overjoyed at the increased opportunities to get it on, but equally there is a chance that they find it taxing or overly demanding. There is no need to express this particular state of affairs as it will be very obvious to everyone around. However, if it happens often, maybe there is reason to discuss alternative arrangements to balance things within your relationship? Allowing the energies to dissipate elsewhere, with another person, or finding ways to fit both partners may be a way forward here.

Quite apart from the sexual level, feeling randy all the time can easily affect the way you function at work or in company. Like any other emotional or hormonal imbalance, this has an effect on how you behave with other people, more often than not with negative fallout that could jeopardise those relationships. Another good reason to balance things properly, I’d say.

On the downside: if your libido is extremely low, it can affect your enjoyment of everyday experiences, interactions with others, and general mood. For one thing, you may start questioning your sexual prowess, but besides that you might just feel inadequate in general, and be sad overall. Keep in mind, all those things usually start out gradually and accumulate over time! Not everyone ends up 100% horny all the time nor totally down right away. These feelings are waxing and waning, of course, and only become an issue if the pendulum swings heavily in one direction and gets stuck there.

The good news is this: in order for you to engage in conscious sensuality or Tantra exercises you don't really need your libido to be full on. It's a gentle slope and things will happen nevertheless.

Whenever there is talk of loneliness in society in general or of particular groups around us, the focus is on the physical appearance of being alone in a particular space. That could be in their own at home – very much a symptom with the elderly – or separated from others through unusual hobbies or activities that are not shared with many others. This is a very obvious kind of loneliness: everyone can see that those individuals are on their own, but that does not necessarily mean they are also lonely!

Loneliness is a feeling that comes from the inside, not the outside.

Some of us choose to be on our own for reasons entirely personal: one may choose to focus inwardly and spend time in blessed solitude, another may need some alone time just about now, each situation is different. Here’s the kicker, though: if you accept the possibility that one can be alone AND not lonely, it must also be possible to be lonely while being surrounded by people!

Here’s my own experience: for a long time I could not really tell if I was an extrovert or an introvert, because on the one hand I do enjoy having people around me and occasionally find myself the centre of attention by my own choice, but on other occasions I feel intensely overwhelmed by all those people. How could I square this?

Turns out it has nothing to do with introvert or extrovert but with the number of people I’m supposed to engage with at the same time. I’m perfectly fine interacting with one or two people, basically a group that has no tendency to break up into several conversations at once. The moment that happens I always end up at the edge, e.g., at the dinner table hovering between two conversations but not participating in either. THAT, in turn, leads to an intense feeling of being on my own = loneliness! That is usually the time when I mosey over to the kitchen and start doing the dishes in order to escape a place of deep loneliness. At least I’m feeling useful, if not really part of the ‘fun’.

Interestingly, I am most creative when surrounded by people, or being in a public place. Often I don’t interact with them at all, though. I usually write in my favourite coffee shop. I have a view of the outside through large glass windows, I can hear the hubbub around me, picking up the occasional sliver of conversation, and that fuels my imagination and ability to put pen to paper.

On the other hand, when I’m not busy with work or free time projects, I can easily feel lonely, even with lots of people around. In those cases, I crave engagement and may end up being the original chatterbox, simply to engage with others. Ultimately, feeling lonely comes from lack of engagement with others, no spatial closeness. It’s a complex thing, that field between loneliness and feeling alone, worth exploring to find the right mindset for yourself.