When you think about conscious sensuality, bondage is not the kind of image that immediately comes to mind. And yet there is something about bondage that can be enticing and enabling your sensitivity to sensual connection. Let me explain. The first thing most people would think of when bondage is mentioned is BDSM practices, or a vague sense of what might be involved with it. The image is indeed mostly one that includes all parts of BDSM: Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. However, bondage on its own is nothing else than physical restriction. Domination and S/M practices can come on top of it, but are not necessary. Neither is bondage necessarily a part of domination or SM… Bondage comes in many forms, from the classic handcuffs (“NOT the fluffy pink ones, master! Please!”) through ropes, plastic tape, fabric all the way to being hogtied and hanging from a hook on the ceiling. The main element, strangely, is not in the physical restriction, but the giving in to the fact that you are NOT in control, letting go of control and accepting that state of mind. Why is this important? Simple: a good part of your sensual (and also spiritual) experience relies on your ability to let go of expectations and opening up to that which you don’t expect to happen but would like to. On a physical level, you may wish for something to happen, but you are not ready to allow yourself that experience. Being out of control of the situation may just allow you to not only accept what is being given to you, but actively enjoy it (“I was not in control”). That does not take away that any serious bondage experience is subject to serious control mechanisms like agreeing on consent, having a safeword, an understanding of both partners what is acceptable (that’s what the initial discussion to set boundaries is meant to ensure), and the clear knowledge that whoever is being restricted is the one who calls the shots, NOT the giver/master. On the mental plane, restrictions can lead to spiritual experiences. Letting go mentally means that your mind does put up fewer barriers not only to the bodily sensations, but also to your thoughts. Any internal processes or external stimulation may end up steering you onto new pathways that you would never even have conceived of without those restrictions. All this is not limited to physical restrictions either: bondage can be a purely mental process. It can involve nothing more than a blindfold, or a bit of heavy rope hanging from your wrists, without any knots or real constriction at all: it’s all in the mind. In fact, bondage can take the shape of strict adherence to instructions given by the giver/master. Given the right stimulus, anyone can actually conjure up a sense of being restricted, just like someone lying on top of you may create a sense of weight that could be instantly removed but ends up being strangely enjoyable. Bondage, properly done, is not a restriction, but a liberation
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Some of us are finding it hard to express what we really-really want when we meet someone and try to find out where that encounter might be going. Alternatively, what happens if you ask that guy about his preferences and how you feel about his answers? Let’s look at both sides. How confident do your feel when asked about your preferences in general or with regards to that particular person? There is a difference, of course, but how do you reply? Are you going all out and confess your deepest desires to find out if you are a perfect match, or are you playing coy by staying vague in the hopes of securing a deal that may then go much further or in a totally different direction? What about his answers to your questions, then? How do you react to vague replies like “I’m pretty vanilla” or “I’m open to lots of things”. Does that make you feel inclined to go with him, or does it put you off? Were those really the answers you hoped to get, or ones that feel evasive and non-committal? There may be reasons for both of you to remain vague, of course. Some of them relate to shame of talking about such things we still unconsciously consider bad, sinful or unhealthy. Another big hurdle is shyness to reveal something that is perceived as very personal to a guy you may just have met an hour ago. Either way, it’s worth considering giving a direct answer to a direct question. In daily life, such direct answers are encouraged, if not expected, so why not be open about something you want to happen and give your man a chance to make your dreams come true? Some people simply don’t know what they really want. Maybe they have never really given it any thought at all, or they are happy to accept anything that comes their way in order to find out if they like it or not? It does help to have a bit of a plan before you go out, and define for yourself what you would generally consider desirable, acceptable and a no-go. If you have particular interests on that day, by all means keep those in mind and voice them if you get the chance. To be honest, I often find myself in the role of the happily accepting guy as I find it difficult to define what I perceive as acceptable in various contexts, but – like anyone else – I’m a work in progress, learning to be much more direct. Think about how you come across to whoever asked you about your preferences if you are not at least halfway specific? Most likely your guy will think you are insecure and therefore going to be a lot of drama (and maybe you actually are!), or he may start to wonder if you are really interested in going further with him. Don’t forget: there is a wide range of grey between full disclosure and absolute vagueness: you could consider talking about positions you prefer, you would consider and those you don’t enjoy; you might bring up some more kinky elements (and strike gold in the process), and work up to the more decisive questions as you go... Be clear about your wishes. |
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September 2021
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