There is something to be said to maintain a sense of wonder and a need to discover new things and – dare I say? – new men and their special wicked ways. I guess you have been at that point where you need to find out if what you perceive as daily drab proceedings could be turned into something more exciting, right? You may be on the right path.
Whatever your brain is telling you, there are always other ways to try, and while there is something to be said about being happy with the status quo, we are all explorers at heart and like the thrill of the new and unexpected. Let’s assume you have a partner who is open to experiments, there are many options to try and most of them come in the form of workshops rather than chance encounters in a darkroom, bar or on the dance floor.
Let’s consider things like kink parties, for example: at first sight, those might be suitable for the advanced students only, but don’t be mistaken, most of them are fairly organised affairs with a high level of supervision and security, providing a safe place to start exploring the things you come across. It’s also very likely you’ll find someone to show you the ropes (literally!) or introduce you to pleasure created by light flogging or keeping you out of your comfort zone in other ways.
If you have a partner in crime – be it a life partner or a friend you trust completely – you may even play with being blindfolded while he guides you through a bar you are otherwise familiar with. That could go as far as allowing him to guide others to touch you in certain ways or going even further than that.
Ultimately, all those things are based on trust and a sense of feeling safe. That feeling can be based on having a friend making sure nothing happens to you that you have not stated as ‘this is okay’ to your friend ahead of time (they will have to supervise closely, of course). Your safety is usually in good hands in specific clubs for particular kinks as they allow for clear rules. Safety can also be created on the basis of trust and clear discussions before playing with someone. All those steps demand clear boundaries that are discussed ahead of time – or during – and an obvious way to stop proceedings with the understanding that a STOP is final and has to be obeyed by both parties.
Make use of free time
I can, of course, only speak from my own personal experience but here it is: whenever I try to actively make use of free time it easily turns into ‘productive time’ of some sort. I water the plants or do my dishes, decide to start a laundry cycle or something similar. I rarely find myself planning to do nothing and succeeding in it. On the other hand, I also find myself doing nothing ‘by accident’ and drifting off into a meditative mindset where my thought just flow and take me to places I need to discover. Those tend to be lines of thought I would never have pursued of my own volition, and that makes it all the more important to access them!
Of course, exploring your mind is not the only thing you would do with your free time. I wonder what experiences we all miss because we are too busy to let them happen naturally? Besides meditation, how often have you shunned certain activities because you didn’t think of them as worth your while? That walk up the hill, the phone call with a friend that is long overdue or preparing a luxurious time in the candlelit bathtub with nothing but your own hands to explore yourself without giving any thought to anything else?
Are you procrastinating things that are of no obvious benefit but to your own wellbeing? Things that make you feel a little guilty? Activities that appear frivolous and unnecessary? Those are exactly the things that you need to do to feel yourself and enjoy your own company. And by doing them you’ll be more available to others because you are more yourself than you would otherwise feel and be.
Next time you realise that you are rushing to start a new project to fill the time, or you run out of productive juices, maybe consider doing something that seems completely crazy (within reason, of course) and only serves to separate you from the humdrum of daily life. You may just be better off for doing that than mindlessly continuing on the trodden path you were on before.
What are you afraid of?
Obviously, whenever you engage with someone you’ll be actively gauging just how much you trust them, how close you are to them, how much you want to reveal and what you feel comfortable revealing without overstepping boundaries, your own and theirs. Unfortunately, your sexual drive often overwrites clear thought. Imagine a potentially sexual situation and ask yourself some questions.
What do you want to do? This question is completely separate from the person across from you and this particular moment. You could think about what you want to do with this man or another one at any time of day or night. And that is probably the best thing you could do - think ahead of time what you really wish for in general and start weighing how realistic those thoughts really are. This is the opportunity to relegate some of them to the realm of your imagination! That’s not to say you cannot bring them out to fuel your sex life, but maybe there’s a point to be made to keep them in your mind rather than bring them to real life.
What are you ready to do? Once you have found out what you want to do, you’ll need to be realistic about what to ask for. Some of our imagined scenarios are dangerous in certain ways when brought to life with the wrong person. This is where finding a rapport with your man becomes of utmost importance: How well do you know him? Do you trust him? Is your contact based solely on sexual attraction?
This is also a time when you should question your own motives. Are you a trill seeker who would go beyond your comfort zone? Could that let you stray into dangerous territory rather than exciting and unknown places? If that prompts quick yesses for you, you may have reasons to be afraid, indeed. If you are afraid you may overstep your own boundaries and regret those steps after the fact, it’s all the more important to give this proper consideration and take the fear away from your actual encounters with other men.
What should you do? If your fear is about opening up, maybe you should get to know that man a little better and learn about his ideas and wishes before proceeding? If you are afraid of rejection, maybe it’s time to better clarify your desires for yourself and really own them, for your own sake and the sake of the man you engage with.
Either way, fear often comes from a place of murky shadows and lack of clarity, and the way to alleviate this is obvious: figure it out for yourself first and stand up for what you hold true.
Sticking to routines
Let’s face it, when you travel you are far removed from what you would otherwise do when you take a break from work: no more watering the plants or procrastinating through doing the dishes or hanging up the laundry. I don’t have to go shopping and when I’m travelling for work I usually end up being busy during the day and my only free time is after the shops are closed already.
Still, it affects the bit of routine that I hang on to. So what is that routine? I have found that it’s important for me to meditate regularly and I do it on a daily basis. Since meditation comes in many forms for me, that could be a silent sitting meditation or an active one, a walking meditation or something repetitive like singing a mantra or some formalised kind of dancing. Most of these can be done in any environment, but some are limited by the available space, and hotel rooms tend to be cramped. Anyway, some kind of meditation is usually possible – I just have to juggle my options a bit.
I try to practice yoga as often as possible, and that is where I fail on travels: I often simply cannot find the space to do it and have yet to discover a way to replace this part of my routine with something more ‘portable’.
On the other hand, I find that I am more present when practicing yoga or meditation because there is so much less to distract me from it. There is freedom and calm in a space that you don’t have to maintain, without much chance of surprise phone calls or invitations to pop over to friends for the evening. I call that a definitive plus point.
I’m not much of a gym bunny, but I understand that most of my gym friends have no trouble finding some reasonable replacement for their regular gym wherever they are travelling. I’m wondering if such a thing couldn’t be possible for yoga or group meditation? I’m not sorry to do these things on my own, but some of you may prefer doing this in groups. And I’m with you on the energetic front and the shared experience. Maybe this is something to consider for the future? Travelling yogis, what do you do for the shared experience?
I used to sink into brainless oblivion in the past whenever I was travelling, spending the evenings in a hotel room and basically slipping into a rather vegetative state. For the last couple of years, that has changed: I’m much more conscious of my own mental and spiritual needs and practice both meditation and yoga in ways that the space allows.
Mental wellness is your most valuable friend! Make sure to keep it safe.
These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about.