We’ve all experienced an orgasm. That sensation of exhilaration and subsequent release of pent-up pressure, followed in most cases by absolute relaxation. For most guys this is something that is closely connected with an ejaculation, but that does not HAVE to be the case. It’s perfectly possible to have an ejaculation without physical signs of arousal, so why is it such a stretch of the imagination that you could have an orgasm without ejaculation?

As with many things tantric, it makes sense to separate things out into their constituent parts, experience them on their own and then bring them back together with a better understanding of the parts that make up the sexual experience.

Edging is one of those experiences that can lead to an orgasm, even multiple orgasms, without ever ejaculating – but what really happens is an accumulation of sexual energy in your body and makes it do things you cannot quite understand: you may be shuddering all over, feel the unstoppable urge to moan of shout uncontrollably, convulse or go into a quiet place of your own. It’s a very personal process and what constitutes an orgasm can seem very different.

That build-up of energy is what makes the orgasm happen, not the physical stimulation or the images you conjure up in your mind, nor necessarily the presence of another person (although that will help). So in a way, you have already encountered that sexual energy in your person and it has taken the form of an ejaculation for you.

Being a tantric practitioner does not mean you’ll never ejaculate again, or course. What it means is that you have a choice: release that energy you have conjured up or hold it back and shift it within yourself to a place where it’s needed. You can also make it circulate and create the most wonderful serial orgasms you can imagine!

Whenever we end up with a compatible partner, there is a good chance we end up having sex. Hoorah, we played our cards right. And now it’s down to finding out what those cards have brought us, what kind of evening we are looking at.

Maybe you’ll go to it straight away, or you have a drink and a chat first, but ultimately you’ll have to decide what will happen in the bedroom (or anywhere else, for that matter). Sometimes these things just develop, for more select tastes there may be some level of negotiation ahead of anything else, but one thing is sure: if things go right, there will be penetration of some sort. Otherwise, the encounter was just so-so.

Why is non-penetrative sex considered a consolation prize?

For the majority of guys getting to this ‘ultimate level’ is what it’s all about. No more masturbation, but finally ‘the real thing’, right? Maybe there is a case to be made for a different focus: why put that one possibility on a pedestal in the first place? I understand that this is the one thing you cannot do on your own, but does that mean a sexual encounter without penetration should be considered incomplete and a waste of time?

From a tantric point of view, any interaction that leads to arousal and raising of energies is considered a good thing. The idea of ‘success’ does not really come into it, there is no prize to be won. However, there is something to be said to prolong the playtime and keep going on the edge of an orgasm. And that can absolutely be achieved without penetration – in fact, it’s even more fulfilling without it as there is much more control over what is happening.

Penetrative sex has its joys, but it’s not the be all and end all of a sexual encounter.

Let’s be honest, most sexual encounters you engage in tend to be mutual activities, meaning that you’ll be giving and receiving pretty much simultaneously. Many of us even feel bad if they don’t reciprocate directly. Even if you don’t believe that this is you, think back for a moment: there most certainly was a moment in the past when you were enjoying your partner’s administrations so intensely that you just relaxed and took it in.

What a glorious feeling that was, right? And yet, I bet you also had that nagging little voice in the back of your brain violently knocking on the “portal of consciousness” trying to make you feel guilty about being selfish for doing this. You fought back trying to stay in the moment even so, but in the end you may have given in to the urge to become more active. And then that wonderful moment of ecstasy was over. Am I right?

Now take a step back and imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment. Do you really believe that he didn’t enjoy giving you pleasure, seeing your enjoyment of what he was doing? Did he expect you to do anything but be in the moment and enjoy? Probably not: his mind was in another place altogether: he was ‘in giving mode’.

Sometimes, a cuddle session on the sofa can go on for a long time, and be limited to one partner stroking the other’s hair for half an hour. Or, think of another all-time favourite: the foot massage! Those are no different from anything more sensual or sexual that might be happening in the bedroom or anywhere else. It’s about giving something simply because you want to do it.

Once you slip into that mode of giving freely to a receptive partner, there is nothing else you want to do, nowhere else you want to be. You are embracing the divine feminine and experience it to the fullest. In a way, the giving partner is as ecstatic as the receiving one, but he is in a different place altogether. Indulging your partner can be every much as pleasurable as being on the receiving end of their administrations, and there is no expectation of you to give anything back, really.

In order to be ready to fully engage with others, it is important to properly understand who you are, how you feel and what is going on with you. Without this knowledge, how would you be able to bring the whole of yourself to the table when you make a connection with your partner?

Most of us have a runaway brain most of the time. All kinds of thoughts are bombarding your consciousness every minute. That makes it particularly hard to focus on the moment, especially when your brain is telling you that there is no time to do so. In order to find yourself, the first step to calming your mind is to actually ALLOW yourself to be inactive for a moment.

Once you have found that way to leave well enough alone, your thoughts will still be bouncing here and there, maybe not so much focused on things you need to do, but rather thoughts that invade your mind from the inside out. Try to breathe and focus totally on the way your chest is moving and how the air passes your nostrils or lips.

And here we go: you are engaged in a mindfulness exercise already! It’s really about focusing on the moment and yourself and being very conscious about what you do and what is happening within and around you. In fact, this can be done anywhere, at any time: I personally often do this when travelling in a bus or train. Rather than worry about delays or the stuff that I should rather be doing I am embracing the time that I have and listen to the sounds around me, feel the movements of the train or bus, and end up just being me for a moment.

So you have had an extraordinary sensual experience of a tantric nature, maybe even spent some moments in a place you cannot quite describe except in spiritual terms. You have found yourself in a safe space, have been able to let go of anxieties, things ‘just happened’. And then you leave and come back to what goes by the name of ‘real world’!

This can be a bit of a shock, especially if what you have experienced still feels somewhat mysterious and needs further exploring and mulling over! The trouble is that it’s hard to combine the practicalities and demands of life with the sense of slowness, natural flow, exploration and joy that conscious sensuality brings. The fact alone that we need this escape mechanism to even get near such experiences should tell you something about the life we live.

Very few people are able to successfully combine both the life outside and the experiences within. Let’s face it, we need bread on the table! That means having money to buy it and work to get the money. Even with very simple material needs, you’ll have to engage with the world to a degree. Sadly, this tends to change the mindset away from the one that allows you to experience the mysterious bliss that tantra can bring.

What can you do, then? Well, for one thing: be good to yourself. That’s good advice for everyone, every day, but it is especially true if you have just experienced your body to its full extent, or enjoyed a moment of bliss or revelation. It’s important to ensure that the transition from one state to the other is not abrupt – and any good practitioner will make sure that you are ready to face the outside world before letting you leave, of course.

Make time for these things to settle. That could be indulging in a long hot bath, a walk in the woods, being with friends,… Those are all slow activities that belongs to the material world AND the sensory world as well, and what better way to transition?