Similar things apply in most every walk of life. Explaining to your family why you’d rather spend your free time with your friends than watch TV with your parents needs the arguments and chutzpah to stand up for yourself. But most of all, the conditions need to be right to do whatever you intend to do, and THAT is what that container is all about.

That concept of a container can be seen as wide as you wish, or as narrow as you feel it could be. In the context of interaction with other people, this can be of utmost importance for success or failure, for joy or despair, and any outcome you might wish for.

Having sex in a damp alleyway may be kinky, but it certainly is not the epitome of comfort. If it is comfort you are hoping to get during sex, this particular container is not suitable and you may better find another spot for your hot encounter – or end it right there and then.

You want to spend a romantic evening with your partner? Well, you better bring out the candles and the enticing music, put on that outfit he likes and display all the toys you intend to bring into play on this occasion. On the other hand, you could do nothing, pull him onto the bed and have sex. The latter option lacks all the romantic elements you were hoping for because your container has not been prepared.

Are you starting to see where this is going? The right experience needs proper preparation!  But worry not: that preparation could be minimal… as long as you give it a bit of tender love and care, you think ahead and make sure you are ready for what you want to happen, things will be more likely to be fulfilling and meaningful. There is not always a need to go full throttle and fill the house with rose petals, light two hundred candles and feed your partner with a couple of dozen different nibbles.

Sometimes an indoor picknick is enough to create the right mood, or some strategically placed cushions and blankets are enough to get your started the right way. Be inventive, think outside of the box, be different for a while, and things will go much better. Also, don’t go overboard too much…

And you are allowed to go back to “normal” tomorrow, if that is what you want.

However, whichever situation you find yourself in, and whatever action you are currently focusing on, it’s important to keep part of your mind open to communicating with the person you interact with. That means keeping an eye out for your partner’s reactions to what you are doing. But it also means that if you are experiencing a moment of being taken care of, you need to stay connected to your partner.

Some positions are more conducive to this happening: if you manage to see your partner’s eyes, you’ll be able to get a read quite a bit of what is going on with him, of course. Just reading each other’s expressions can be enough to guide your next actions. Besides that, using your body to push or pull at the right time can be a very powerful way to tell the other person what to do next! Don’t forget: you can give the right signals by moaning sounds, grunts and screams. If all fails, just tell them what to do!

This exchange goes both ways, too. If you find yourself actively doing something to someone, it pays to keep an eye on their reactions and increase what makes them go all excited, while tuning down whatever feels like they are not enjoying quite as much as you do. As for being on the receiving end of things, it’s good to keep an eye on your partner to find out if he is getting something out of it as well. Either way, it’s good to work on several levels at once: if you are receiving sexual attention, there is nothing in the book saying you cannot return favours in other ways: touching his skin, tugging at a nipple, liking his hands, kissing him… anything goes.

Ultimately, the point of sex – besides the relief it can bring – is to create closeness, and that includes doing all kinds of things. Sex is brilliant, of course, but there is more to it than just the mechanical stuff.

All that said, there are times when you just want to relax and receive what your partner is dishing out, and that is perfectly fine too. Switch it up occasionally, is all I’m saying.