Some of us are finding it hard to express what we really-really want when we meet someone and try to find out where that encounter might be going. Alternatively, what happens if you ask that guy about his preferences and how you feel about his answers? Let’s look at both sides. How confident do your feel when asked about your preferences in general or with regards to that particular person? There is a difference, of course, but how do you reply? Are you going all out and confess your deepest desires to find out if you are a perfect match, or are you playing coy by staying vague in the hopes of securing a deal that may then go much further or in a totally different direction? What about his answers to your questions, then? How do you react to vague replies like “I’m pretty vanilla” or “I’m open to lots of things”. Does that make you feel inclined to go with him, or does it put you off? Were those really the answers you hoped to get, or ones that feel evasive and non-committal? There may be reasons for both of you to remain vague, of course. Some of them relate to shame of talking about such things we still unconsciously consider bad, sinful or unhealthy. Another big hurdle is shyness to reveal something that is perceived as very personal to a guy you may just have met an hour ago. Either way, it’s worth considering giving a direct answer to a direct question. In daily life, such direct answers are encouraged, if not expected, so why not be open about something you want to happen and give your man a chance to make your dreams come true? Some people simply don’t know what they really want. Maybe they have never really given it any thought at all, or they are happy to accept anything that comes their way in order to find out if they like it or not? It does help to have a bit of a plan before you go out, and define for yourself what you would generally consider desirable, acceptable and a no-go. If you have particular interests on that day, by all means keep those in mind and voice them if you get the chance. To be honest, I often find myself in the role of the happily accepting guy as I find it difficult to define what I perceive as acceptable in various contexts, but – like anyone else – I’m a work in progress, learning to be much more direct. Think about how you come across to whoever asked you about your preferences if you are not at least halfway specific? Most likely your guy will think you are insecure and therefore going to be a lot of drama (and maybe you actually are!), or he may start to wonder if you are really interested in going further with him. Don’t forget: there is a wide range of grey between full disclosure and absolute vagueness: you could consider talking about positions you prefer, you would consider and those you don’t enjoy; you might bring up some more kinky elements (and strike gold in the process), and work up to the more decisive questions as you go... Be clear about your wishes. |
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September 2021
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