When you think of Tantra, what comes to mind? Most people may not have the foggiest idea what it is, and those who have heard the term before more often than not have images of wild sex orgies bubbling up in their minds. And YES: this can be part of it, but it’s by no means the most important thing. If you have had a chance to watch my short YouTube series on Tantric massage, you will have heard me talk at length on the subject of physical touch, sensuality, sexual energy, visualisation and energy work. Tantra involves such a wide range of elements that it can be hard to make sense of it all: receiving a lingam massage can feel like arousal that will lead to sex, but the intention is very different – raising energy and shifting it with broad massage strokes over the torso, arms and legs is very different from giving a hand job. Similarly, a lot of practices may seem odd at first, until it becomes apparent that they serve a similar purpose: raising energy, shifting it, generally helping with the focus on specific parts of the body or mind. So if you see people flailing their arms or screaming like banshees during a workshop, don’t think of it as a purely physical exercise, but rather a means to an end. It’s all about energy and its flow in particular directions. Speaking of energy, have you heard the expression “energy follows thought”? Never forget how much our mind plays a role in the shifting of energies in our bodies: visualisation and meditation are as important as the physical side. If yoga exercises are combined with intention and conscious meditation or visualisation, energy flows in that direction. This is why tantra has such a varied number of practices: from sitting quietly in meditation, through yoga, dance, touch, music, rhythm, touch and play to full on sexual activity – all of them serve a single purpose: raising and shifting energy. Why create and shift energy at all? What is the ultimate goal? It’s bliss and enlightenment, of course! All those exercises are meant to change how our mind perceives our surroundings and how we see ourselves in them. This brings us back to the question if sex is just a distraction from something else. The answer is ‘yes and no’: it all depends on the intention and what you do with the sexual energy. If the goal of your engagement with someone else is orgasm and all you do together is meant to reach that point, sex is a distraction! If, however, you use that sexual tension with your partner in order to create a shift in both your perceptions of yourself, your mind and the universe at large, it becomes a beautiful tool after all. You probably start to see why tantric teachings are big on stopping short of a physical orgasm: the worry is that with the orgasm you’ll expend all that juicy energy that could be used much better on your spiritual path… Find your intention and stick with it
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This is the eternal question to anything related to the spiritual plane: what is the ultimate goal of the rituals and actions, and why bother? When it comes to tantra, the ultimate goal is simple: feeling at one with what surrounds you. If this sounds too trivial, try this on for size: “being one with all” or “being one with the universe”. For the sake of not putting off those of a less oogie-woogie persuasion, let’s stick with “feeling at one with what surrounds you”. Tantra is based – amongst other things – on the belief that the person you call ‘I’ does not really exist, but is just an expression of something much bigger, something that includes everything. It is rather difficult to keep both those concepts in the mind at the same time: being a person, distinctly different from other people and the universe (distinguishing between “me” and “not-me”), and being a small part of a unit that is represented by ‘everything’ (not distinguishing between “me” and not me”). Tantra tries to open your eyes to the possibility that both of those can be true at once, leading to a spiritual advancement and a sense of connection with everything. In order to get there, many different techniques can be used, including meditation, yoga, singing mantras, sharing yourself with others in an attempt to experience communion with other perceived as ‘not me’, dancing, raising energies, rituals, … and many others. Some tantra lineages focus on one or several of those. When it comes to physical touch as a means of connection, this can include sensual and sexual practices (example: Kamasutra), which can lead to certain misunderstandings. Sensual and sexual engagement with others is not perceived as a sexual act per se. These practices involve the raising of sexual energies/Kundalini energy, including erotic touch, massage, used to induce heightened sensitivity, relaxation and receptivity. Energy flow and distribution is often encouraged through massage and bodily contact, but with the sole goal to heighten the receiver’s experience. Once the sexual energy has been absorbed and accepted, things can move into further spiritual practices, or you and your partner(s) can move into a sexual experience, or it could simply end there, with the receiver processing their experience on their own. As you can see, even if you end up having a sexual encounter, there is a huge element of energy work and philosophy behind the practice. Live your experience fully and you will learn from it
When you think about conscious sensuality, bondage is not the kind of image that immediately comes to mind. And yet there is something about bondage that can be enticing and enabling your sensitivity to sensual connection. Let me explain. The first thing most people would think of when bondage is mentioned is BDSM practices, or a vague sense of what might be involved with it. The image is indeed mostly one that includes all parts of BDSM: Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. However, bondage on its own is nothing else than physical restriction. Domination and S/M practices can come on top of it, but are not necessary. Neither is bondage necessarily a part of domination or SM… Bondage comes in many forms, from the classic handcuffs (“NOT the fluffy pink ones, master! Please!”) through ropes, plastic tape, fabric all the way to being hogtied and hanging from a hook on the ceiling. The main element, strangely, is not in the physical restriction, but the giving in to the fact that you are NOT in control, letting go of control and accepting that state of mind. Why is this important? Simple: a good part of your sensual (and also spiritual) experience relies on your ability to let go of expectations and opening up to that which you don’t expect to happen but would like to. On a physical level, you may wish for something to happen, but you are not ready to allow yourself that experience. Being out of control of the situation may just allow you to not only accept what is being given to you, but actively enjoy it (“I was not in control”). That does not take away that any serious bondage experience is subject to serious control mechanisms like agreeing on consent, having a safeword, an understanding of both partners what is acceptable (that’s what the initial discussion to set boundaries is meant to ensure), and the clear knowledge that whoever is being restricted is the one who calls the shots, NOT the giver/master. On the mental plane, restrictions can lead to spiritual experiences. Letting go mentally means that your mind does put up fewer barriers not only to the bodily sensations, but also to your thoughts. Any internal processes or external stimulation may end up steering you onto new pathways that you would never even have conceived of without those restrictions. All this is not limited to physical restrictions either: bondage can be a purely mental process. It can involve nothing more than a blindfold, or a bit of heavy rope hanging from your wrists, without any knots or real constriction at all: it’s all in the mind. In fact, bondage can take the shape of strict adherence to instructions given by the giver/master. Given the right stimulus, anyone can actually conjure up a sense of being restricted, just like someone lying on top of you may create a sense of weight that could be instantly removed but ends up being strangely enjoyable. Bondage, properly done, is not a restriction, but a liberation
Some of us are finding it hard to express what we really-really want when we meet someone and try to find out where that encounter might be going. Alternatively, what happens if you ask that guy about his preferences and how you feel about his answers? Let’s look at both sides. How confident do your feel when asked about your preferences in general or with regards to that particular person? There is a difference, of course, but how do you reply? Are you going all out and confess your deepest desires to find out if you are a perfect match, or are you playing coy by staying vague in the hopes of securing a deal that may then go much further or in a totally different direction? What about his answers to your questions, then? How do you react to vague replies like “I’m pretty vanilla” or “I’m open to lots of things”. Does that make you feel inclined to go with him, or does it put you off? Were those really the answers you hoped to get, or ones that feel evasive and non-committal? There may be reasons for both of you to remain vague, of course. Some of them relate to shame of talking about such things we still unconsciously consider bad, sinful or unhealthy. Another big hurdle is shyness to reveal something that is perceived as very personal to a guy you may just have met an hour ago. Either way, it’s worth considering giving a direct answer to a direct question. In daily life, such direct answers are encouraged, if not expected, so why not be open about something you want to happen and give your man a chance to make your dreams come true? Some people simply don’t know what they really want. Maybe they have never really given it any thought at all, or they are happy to accept anything that comes their way in order to find out if they like it or not? It does help to have a bit of a plan before you go out, and define for yourself what you would generally consider desirable, acceptable and a no-go. If you have particular interests on that day, by all means keep those in mind and voice them if you get the chance. To be honest, I often find myself in the role of the happily accepting guy as I find it difficult to define what I perceive as acceptable in various contexts, but – like anyone else – I’m a work in progress, learning to be much more direct. Think about how you come across to whoever asked you about your preferences if you are not at least halfway specific? Most likely your guy will think you are insecure and therefore going to be a lot of drama (and maybe you actually are!), or he may start to wonder if you are really interested in going further with him. Don’t forget: there is a wide range of grey between full disclosure and absolute vagueness: you could consider talking about positions you prefer, you would consider and those you don’t enjoy; you might bring up some more kinky elements (and strike gold in the process), and work up to the more decisive questions as you go... Be clear about your wishes. |
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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