I can, of course, only speak from my own personal experience but here it is: whenever I try to actively make use of free time it easily turns into ‘productive time’ of some sort. I water the plants or do my dishes, decide to start a laundry cycle or something similar. I rarely find myself planning to do nothing and succeeding in it. On the other hand, I also find myself doing nothing ‘by accident’ and drifting off into a meditative mindset where my thought just flow and take me to places I need to discover. Those tend to be lines of thought I would never have pursued of my own volition, and that makes it all the more important to access them!
Of course, exploring your mind is not the only thing you would do with your free time. I wonder what experiences we all miss because we are too busy to let them happen naturally? Besides meditation, how often have you shunned certain activities because you didn’t think of them as worth your while? That walk up the hill, the phone call with a friend that is long overdue or preparing a luxurious time in the candlelit bathtub with nothing but your own hands to explore yourself without giving any thought to anything else? Are you procrastinating things that are of no obvious benefit but to your own wellbeing? Things that make you feel a little guilty? Activities that appear frivolous and unnecessary? Those are exactly the things that you need to do to feel yourself and enjoy your own company. And by doing them you’ll be more available to others because you are more yourself than you would otherwise feel and be. Next time you realise that you are rushing to start a new project to fill the time, or you run out of productive juices, maybe consider doing something that seems completely crazy (within reason, of course) and only serves to separate you from the humdrum of daily life. You may just be better off for doing that than mindlessly continuing on the trodden path you were on before.
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Obviously, whenever you engage with someone you’ll be actively gauging just how much you trust them, how close you are to them, how much you want to reveal and what you feel comfortable revealing without overstepping boundaries, your own and theirs. Unfortunately, your sexual drive often overwrites clear thought. Imagine a potentially sexual situation and ask yourself some questions.
What do you want to do? This question is completely separate from the person across from you and this particular moment. You could think about what you want to do with this man or another one at any time of day or night. And that is probably the best thing you could do - think ahead of time what you really wish for in general and start weighing how realistic those thoughts really are. This is the opportunity to relegate some of them to the realm of your imagination! That’s not to say you cannot bring them out to fuel your sex life, but maybe there’s a point to be made to keep them in your mind rather than bring them to real life. What are you ready to do? Once you have found out what you want to do, you’ll need to be realistic about what to ask for. Some of our imagined scenarios are dangerous in certain ways when brought to life with the wrong person. This is where finding a rapport with your man becomes of utmost importance: How well do you know him? Do you trust him? Is your contact based solely on sexual attraction? This is also a time when you should question your own motives. Are you a trill seeker who would go beyond your comfort zone? Could that let you stray into dangerous territory rather than exciting and unknown places? If that prompts quick yesses for you, you may have reasons to be afraid, indeed. If you are afraid you may overstep your own boundaries and regret those steps after the fact, it’s all the more important to give this proper consideration and take the fear away from your actual encounters with other men. What should you do? If your fear is about opening up, maybe you should get to know that man a little better and learn about his ideas and wishes before proceeding? If you are afraid of rejection, maybe it’s time to better clarify your desires for yourself and really own them, for your own sake and the sake of the man you engage with. Either way, fear often comes from a place of murky shadows and lack of clarity, and the way to alleviate this is obvious: figure it out for yourself first and stand up for what you hold true.
Let’s face it, when you travel you are far removed from what you would otherwise do when you take a break from work: no more watering the plants or procrastinating through doing the dishes or hanging up the laundry. I don’t have to go shopping and when I’m travelling for work I usually end up being busy during the day and my only free time is after the shops are closed already.
Still, it affects the bit of routine that I hang on to. So what is that routine? I have found that it’s important for me to meditate regularly and I do it on a daily basis. Since meditation comes in many forms for me, that could be a silent sitting meditation or an active one, a walking meditation or something repetitive like singing a mantra or some formalised kind of dancing. Most of these can be done in any environment, but some are limited by the available space, and hotel rooms tend to be cramped. Anyway, some kind of meditation is usually possible – I just have to juggle my options a bit. I try to practice yoga as often as possible, and that is where I fail on travels: I often simply cannot find the space to do it and have yet to discover a way to replace this part of my routine with something more ‘portable’. On the other hand, I find that I am more present when practicing yoga or meditation because there is so much less to distract me from it. There is freedom and calm in a space that you don’t have to maintain, without much chance of surprise phone calls or invitations to pop over to friends for the evening. I call that a definitive plus point. I’m not much of a gym bunny, but I understand that most of my gym friends have no trouble finding some reasonable replacement for their regular gym wherever they are travelling. I’m wondering if such a thing couldn’t be possible for yoga or group meditation? I’m not sorry to do these things on my own, but some of you may prefer doing this in groups. And I’m with you on the energetic front and the shared experience. Maybe this is something to consider for the future? Travelling yogis, what do you do for the shared experience? I used to sink into brainless oblivion in the past whenever I was travelling, spending the evenings in a hotel room and basically slipping into a rather vegetative state. For the last couple of years, that has changed: I’m much more conscious of my own mental and spiritual needs and practice both meditation and yoga in ways that the space allows. Mental wellness is your most valuable friend! Make sure to keep it safe.
It feels to me that the main difference is that usually there is a particular order: one person has a desire, asks for its realisation and then reacts to the reply they get. For example, I may want to kiss someone, ask them in some way, and then either am allowed to do it or not. Straightforward, right?
While this process is a very simple one and really easy to understand, it can become a burdensome part of your interactions with your partner: just imagine asking about the next step at every turn. I have come across some My issue is this: in Tantra you often are meant to ‘read’ what your partner wants and act on that sense of understanding. While this is a beautiful image, it skews the procedure: if one person senses that the other is asking them to do something, and acts on that understanding, the next reaction is unclear and based on the quality of the communication. Unlike a clear yes or no, this leads to constant adjustment and the need to keep reading the other person. Example: I sense the other person wants me to kiss them, I act on that sense and then I may or may not be told off. Not so straightforward any more now… Quite besides the need for adjustment, it leaves everyone slightly off balance a lot of the time. Indeed, this is part of Tantra: constant flow and change is very much an element of shifts and movement in energy levels and location, of course. Well, while this sounds easy, just imagine doing that at every turn! I have seen short films and read articles aimed at American teenagers where a sweet moment was interrupted by constant questions like “can I put my hand on your arm?”, “is it okay to touch your hand”. If that does not kill the vibe, nothing will. Of course, those are extreme examples, but they highlight the need for thinking this through. As usual, it’s all about balance: asking consent at each turn may be too much, but not asking at all is clearly not the way to go. Reading the other person and assuming you have understood their needs can be as disastrous, of course. A balanced approach is necessary, and that is all about experience. We all make mistakes at first and then we learn, and this is no different. My feeling is this: if I find myself confronted with too many negative answers, I start to wonder if my partner is right for me at that moment. If things don’t flow in a way that works for all involved parties, maybe you are simply not right for each other, there and then.
This said, I’m no different myself in that respect: and some may find me attractive while others don’t, on a physical, spiritual, sensual, personal or any other level you may come up with. It’s a good thing we are all different.
It is true that a lot of people stick with the physical appearance and looks play a huge role in deciding if someone is worthwhile getting or staying in touch with. Again, I’m not excluding myself, but I try to be better about this and step over that first assessment to give my encounters a chance at succeeding. That brings me to a related issue: How do I feel about my own body? Would I be attracted to myself? Until a couple of weeks ago the answer would have been a resounding YES, but then I had a bit of a wobble. (Before you wonder: I’m okay now. Considering the bigger picture was immensely helpful.) I had been aware that I had put on a bit of weight but have not really given it much thought. I just imagined that I was a little heavier and looked pretty much the same as I had for the last 30 years or so. But then it happened: I had the opportunity to see myself in video and photos from angles I was not usually privy to seeing myself and what I saw was pretty shocking. I realise that everyone has a bit of a skewed image of themselves that is a little behind the times, but mine was at least 10 kgs behind the times! It was a revelation, and I believe everyone should be able to see themselves in that way… the way others would see you. At first I was wondering what I could do to get back into shape, and worried about my appeal to others. But then I realised that nothing had changed, except my perception of myself. Others have always seen me this way, anyway. And when I started putting things into perspective, I calmed down and considered things a little more realistically. I believe that my encounter with Tantra all those years ago has given me an ability to deal with such perception issues, to take things the way they are rather than the way I want them to be or believe them to be. In the end, the only one who really has to get over this is me: just like myself, others will either be drawn to me or not, they may see the seed of something else inside of me or not. Be this as it may, technically the only difference is in my mind. Acceptance is important, but that does not take away that – for my own happiness – I may just do something about those extra kilos. Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space. We often hear about the mysterious prostate massage, so it has to be part of this short series on being active. Most men associate the mention of the prostate with a rectal exam, but there is much more to it than that: the prostate is actually the thing that convulses when you have an ejaculation, it’s where semen and seminal fluid come together and are being pumped out. That gives you a bit of an indication where exactly you’ll find this thing. In fact, I have mentioned the prostate before in the cock massage blog, without naming it properly: it sits at the root of your cock, that rock hard bit that makes you feel all tingly when you press it the right way. In fact, what you are doing there is an external prostate massage. You’ll have a hard time finding it when you are not aroused, but boy, it can swing quite a punch when it’s ready. On the outside, you can find the prostate somewhere between the anus and the scrotum, but the main access happens through the anus itself – and that is exactly what happens in a prostate exam. But we are not here to examine the prostate, we want to make it feel good! Once you are in full internal anal massage mode, you may want to have your finger in a position to be able to bend it towards the belly of your receiver and gently explore that area to find a slightly harder part of the internal wall. Be gentle! The prostate does not like to be poked, but repetitive gentle strokes can do wonders. Your receiver now may feel like he has to pee, or he wants to jump out of his skin from the sheer intensity of the sensation. That means you have found it! At this point, you may have to make sure your receiver doesn’t move too much as your finger may poke unexpected places and become painful. As always, it’s up to you to keep an eye on his reactions and act accordingly: go harder or hold back a little, whatever your partner communicates. Of course, you can combine the internal massage with an external stimulation of the root of his cock, if you want to make him go totally wild! Either way, never forget that you are ‘giving’, but if you have a true connection you’ll receive so much from him that you’ll completely forget that you are giving right now. … and next time, switch roles!
Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space. Even though external anal massage can be bliss on its own, maybe you want to explore a little further and go in with a finger – and I recommend doing this with ONE finger only. There will be time to insert more than that later, believe me. Let’s assume that you have already spent some time on massaging the outside of your partner’s anus, and you have done things right, you’ll have realised that he has relaxed quite a bit and the area is likely covered with a lube at this point as well. Perfect conditions to expand the field of massage and gradually move your finger into the opening itself. Just as before, put pressure on the sides, slide your finger towards the centre and push just a little. We are talking half a centimetre here, not half a finger! At this point your partner may clench a little, just make sure he relaxes into the new kind of movement and be prepared to abort the mission if he shows signs of discomfort or calls it off! It’s all about him, remember? If all goes well, however, you’ll gradually be able to slide that finger in a little further each time. When it comes to internal anal massage, there are a couple of things you need to know: the skin in there is very tender, has a lot of nerve endings and blood vessels. Moving too fast, scratching the surface or not using enough lube can easily lead to damage, especially if you twist your finger around. If you want to change direction of your finger, always pull out and slide in again into that new position, NEVER twist. Apart from that, keep doing what you did with external anal massage: gentle strokes, exploring slowly and repeat what you do more than you think is necessary. The secret of a good massage lies in the repetition first of all, variation being slightly less important. You want your partner to experience particular sensations to the fullest before moving on, right? The fact of the matter is this: the giver may feel bored of a particular position or movement much quicker than the receiver, especially because the giver may be doing what feels like hard work. Remember that you are ‘giving’ something for the benefit of your partner. Stay with the program, keep giving
Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space. Another, more involved method for the active partner is anal massage, something a lot of people – both receivers and givers – tend to shy away from. First of all, it may feel uncomfortably close to penetrative sex, but many men also seem to have a hang-up around their anus, especially if they consider themselves to be ‘only a top’. And then there are engrained worries of this being somehow dirty: if you intend to have sex, wouldn’t you clean yourself down there first? Get over it already: there is so much juicy excitement available, why would you want to miss out on that? External anal massage is a very gentle practice, but full of expectation and excitement. Rule n°1: always use lube. The area around your anus is extremely sensitive, and nothing is more of a turnoff than irritated skin around the anus. The sensitivity has a bonus, though: even small movements of your fingers may have a huge impact. Keep in mind: excite your partner, don’t irritate him! It’s usually enough to use a single finger (maybe two) and gently press them into the skin, then slowly massage around the opening, letting things develop as you go. Remember how it feels to just stroke the hairs on your forearm without touching your skin and how that gradually becomes to strong that you have to put your whole hand down to calm that sense of overwhelm? Your anus area is more sensitive than that! Therefore: be slow; stay in one spot for a while and when you feel like moving on: stay there some more. And then move by just a little bit and repeat. In my experience, just doing this can be wonderful for the longest time! The point of this sort of stimulation is to make your partner feel relaxed and comfortable, and excite him at the same time. If you have received an anal massage before you are aware how wonderful it can be just to be touched around the outside of your anus. Hours can go by where you are totally relaxed, floating in a universe of arousing sensations, your mind going to strange places at the same time. Less can be so much more!
Being active is not limited to just touching. Being the active partner can have a lot of different connotations, including penetration, but there is a wide gap between gently stroking someone’s earlobes and full anal penetration, of course, and these couple of blogs are meant to explore that space. Let’s face it, most of us are stuck in a rut when it comes to experiencing sensuality and it often serves just one purpose: getting to a point of having full penetrative sex. I imagine that a bit of foreplay involving touch, kissing and maybe (rushed) undressing each other is the entrée, followed quickly by dessert. What happened to anything in between, drinks, the main dish, palate cleansers, sparkling conversation? I would suggest that there are ways to enjoy each other that are nearly, but not quite penetration. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go there at all, but maybe you’ll find a way to explore that ‘main course’ before skipping it. I have mentioned cock massage in the past and can only repeat that there are simple techniques that can drive your partner out of his mind, if done correctly. This sensitivity increase is driven by sexual energy that is excited through techniques, and this is one easy way to make it happen. This may be one of the reasons why we enjoy a good wank so much. I’m just saying. Cock massage is NOT wanking, though. For one thing is a slower process, it involves a good bit of lube to allow for smooth movements (just as you would expect from a back massage). Cock massage is about sensation and expectation. You may tug in different directions, push between two hands, squeeze the head, pull the scrotum, or just generally move hands around the area. If the cock gets hard – and believe me: it doesn’t always as excitement may show in different ways – you could keep teasing by massaging to find an edge where you partner becomes restless… and then move off and do something harmless somewhere else. You know what I mean! An interesting addition to massaging the cock is to find the hard root of your partner’s cock and push against it: if you do that just right you may see an intense reaction from your receiver as you are activating a lot of nerve cells right under the skin… Step away from the expectation of a quick wank
When you think of ‘being active’ in the context of tantra you probably consider things like being a top or physical exhaustion during and after sex, or at the very least being the one calling the shots or doing things to the other person who is on the receiving side. And yes: to some degree that is certainly true. On a different level, being active makes you the caretaker of your partner. Think about it: he is totally in your hands, and if he trusts you completely, you may just be able to send him not just over the edge but into places his mind never dreamed of going. It all depends on your connection with your partner and your ability to see what is needed, and then provide it. It may feel counterintuitive, but seemingly the roles are reversed: the active partner is subservient to the passive one who is asking for things to be done in certain ways for his own pleasure, arousal, energy flow. How does that work? Of course you have touched someone else and you’ll have some knowledge when it comes to the places to touch and the ways to touch that feel good and are received with moans, movements, maybe even pleas to continue or stop. And there it is: there are messages coming your way that help you figure out what to do next, some clearer, some more obscure. The better you know your partner, the easier it is to pick up the smallest cues and help him move just a little further towards the place of bliss. What is that place of bliss? It depends on the person and circumstances: for some it’s an orgasm – be it physical or internal only – for others it’s a mental journey, or it’s a state of absolute joy that can last for minutes. Either way, your touch, compassion, assistance is what makes it happen for your partner. It’s not unknown that waves of bliss roll over both of you, simply because you are so attuned to your partner that you not only pick up the cues he sends, but some of the experience he has reaches you as well. To give just one example: when you touch your partner and he bets aroused, he may get an erection, start making noises or show other signs of pleasure. Don’t you react to this? Have you never had an erection just from the sense of enjoyment that your partner experiences, or shivers down your spine when he writhes and moans? That’s what it means to be active: being the motor that makes things happen, but also getting feedback before and after… it’s a perpetual state of reinforcement that goes both ways. Sharing is caring, especially when it comes to bliss
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These are my own thoughts on aspects of my work I feel strongly about. Archives
September 2021
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